《首发偶发空缺 (临时空缺)》第123章

Both　could　feel　the　relationship　crumbling　to　pieces　beneath　the　weight　of　everything　that　Gavin　refused　to　say。　It　was　with　a　sense　of　putting　them　both　out　of　their　misery　that　he　reached　for　words　that　he　had　not　intended　to　speak　aloud；　perhaps　ever；　but　which；　in　some　way；　seemed　to　excuse　both　of　them。
‘I　didn’t　want　this　to　happen；’　Gavin　said　earnestly。　‘I　didn’t　mean　it　to。　Kay；　I’m　really　sorry；　but　I　think　I’m　in　love　with　Mary　Fairbrother。’
He　saw　from　her　expression　that　she　had　not　been　prepared　for　this。
‘Mary　Fairbrother？’　she　repeated。
‘I　think；’　he　said　（and　there　was　a　bittersweet　pleasure　in　talking　about　it；　even　though　he　knew　he　was　wounding　her；　he　had　not　been　able　to　say　it　to　anyone　else）；　‘it’s　been　there　for　a　long　time。　I　never　acknowledged　–　I　mean；　when　Barry　was　alive　I’d　never　have—’
‘I　thought　he　was　your　best　friend；’　whispered　Kay。
‘He　was。’
‘He’s　only　been　dead　a　few　weeks！’
Gavin　did　not　like　hearing　that。
‘Look；’　he　said；　‘I’m　trying　to　be　honest　with　you。　I’m　trying　to　be　fair。’
‘You’re　trying　to　be　fair？’
He　had　always　imagined　it　ending　in　a　blaze　of　fury；　but　she　simply　watched　him　putting　on　his　coat　with　tears　in　her　eyes。
‘I’m　sorry；’　he　said；　and　walked　out　of　her　house　for　the　last　time。
On　the　pavement；　he　experienced　a　rush　of　elation；　and　hurried　to　his　car。　He　would　be　able　to　tell　Mary　about　the　insurance　pany　tonight；　after　all。
I
Terri　Weedon　was　used　to　people　leaving　her。　The　first　and　greatest　departure　had　been　her　mother’s；　who　had　never　said　goodbye；　but　had　simply　walked　out　one　day　with　a　suitcase　while　Terri　was　at　school。
There　had　been　lots　of　social　workers　and　care　workers　after　she　ran　away　at　fourteen；　and　some　of　them　had　been　nice　enough；　but　they　all　left　at　the　end　of　the　working　day。　Every　fresh　departure　added　a　fine　new　layer　to　the　crust　building　over　her　core。
She　had　had　friends　in　care；　but　at　sixteen　they　were　all　on　their　own；　and　life　had　scattered　them。　She　met　Ritchie　Adams；　and　she　bore　him　two　children。　Tiny　little　pink　things；　pure　and　beautiful　like　nothing　in　the　whole　world：　and　they　had　e　out　of　her；　and　for　shining　hours　in　the　hospital；　twice；　it　had　been　like　her　own　rebirth。
And　then　they　took　the　children　from　her；　and　she　never　saw　them　again；　either。
Banger　had　left　her。　Nana　Cath　had　left　her。　Nearly　everybody　went；　hardly　anyone　stayed。　She　ought　to　be　used　to　it　by　now。
When　Mattie；　her　regular　social　worker；　reappeared；　Terri　demanded；　‘Where’s　the　other　one？’
‘Kay？　She　was　only　covering　for　me　while　I　was　ill；’　said　Mattie。　‘So；　where’s　Liam？　No　…　I　mean　Robbie；　don’t　I？’
Terri　did　not　like　Mattie。　For　one　thing；　she　did　not　have　kids；　and　how　could　people　who　didn’t　have　kids　tell　you　how　to　raise　them；　how　could　they　understand？　She　had　not　liked　Kay；　exactly；　either　…　except　that　Kay　gave　you　a　funny　feeling；　the　same　feeling　that　Nana　Cath　had　once　given　Terri；　before　she　had　called　her　a　whore　and　told　her　she　never　wanted　to　see　her　again　…　you　felt；　with　Kay　–　even　though　she　carried　folders；　like　the　rest　of　them；　even　though　she　had　instituted　the　case　review　–　you　felt　that　she　wanted　things　to　go　right　for　you；　and　not　only　for　the　forms。　You　really　did　feel　that。　But　she　was　gone；　and　she　probably　don’t　even　think　about　us　now；　thought　Terri　furiously。
On　Friday　afternoon；　Mattie　told　Terri　that　Bellchapel　would　almost　certainly　close。
‘It’s　political；’　she　said　briskly。　‘They　want　to　save　money；　but　methadone　treatment’s　unpopular　with　the　District　Council。　Plus；　Pagford　wants　them　out　of　the　building。　It　was　all　in　the　local　paper；　maybe　you　saw　it？’
Sometimes　she　spoke　to　Terri　like　that；　veering　into　a　kind　of　after…all…we’re…in…this…together　small…talk　that　jarred；　because　it　sat　alongside　enquiries　as　to　whether　Terri　was　remembering　to　feed　her　son。　But　this　time　it　was　what　she　said；　rather　than　how　she　said　it；　that　upset　Terri。
‘They’re　closin’　it？’　she　repeated。
‘It　looks　that　way；’　said　Mattie　breezily；　‘but　it　won’t　make　any　difference　to　you。　Well；　obviously　…’
Three　times　Terri　had　embarked　upon　the　programme　at　Bellchapel。　The　dusty　interior　of　the　converted　church　with　its　partition　walls　and　its　flyers；　the　bathroom　with　its　neon…blue　light　（so　you　could　not　find　veins　and　shoot　up　in　there）；　had　bee　familiar　and　almost　friendly。　Lately；　she　had　begun　to　sense　in　the　workers　there　a　change　in　the　way　they　spoke　to　her。　They　had　all　expected　her　to　fail　again；　in　the　beginning；　but　they　had　started　talking　to　her　the　way　Kay　had　talked：　as　if　they　knew　a　real　person　lived　inside　her　pockmarked；　burned　body。
‘　…　obviously；　it　will　be　different；　but　you　can　get　your　methadone　from　your　GP　instead；’　said　Mattie。　She　flipped　over　pages　in　the　distended　file　that　was　the　state’s　record　of　Terri’s　life。　‘You’re　registered　with　Dr　Jawanda　in　Pagford；　right？　Pagford　…　why　are　you　going　all　the　way　out　there？’
‘I　smacked　a　nurse　at　Cantermill；’　said　Terri；　almost　absent…mindedly。
After　Mattie　had　left；　Terri　sat　for　a　long　time　in　her　filthy　chair　in　the　sitting　room；　gnawing　at　her　nails　until　they　bled。
The　moment　Krystal　came　home；　bringing　Robbie　back　from　nursery；　she　told　her　that　they　were　closing　Bellchapel。
‘They　ain’t　decided　yet；’　said　Krystal　with　authority。
‘The　fuck　do　you　know？’　demanded　Terri。　‘They’re　closin’　it；　and　now　they　say　I’ve　gotta　go　to　fuckin’　Pagford　to　that　bitch　that　killed　Nana　Cath。　Well；　I　fuckin’　ain’t。’
‘You　gotta；’　said　Krystal。
Krystal　had　been　like　this　for　days；　bossing　her　mother；　acting　as　though　she；　Krystal；　was　the　grown…up。
‘I　ain’　gotta　do　fuckin’　anythin’；’　said　Terri　furiously。　‘Cheeky　little　bitch；’　she　added；　for　good　measure。
‘If　you　start　fuckin’　usin’　again；’　said　Krystal；　scarlet　in　the　face；　‘they’ll　take　Robbie　away。’
He　was　still　holding　Krystal’s　hand；　and　burst　into　tears。
‘See？’　both　women　shouted　at　each　other。
‘You’re　fuckin’　doin’　it　to　him！’　shouted　Krystal。　‘An’　anyway；　that　doctor　didn’　do　nuthin?