《2 new+moon新月》第82章

back　into　me…　the　stinging　rain　flung　down　by　the　purple　clouds…　the　strange　fire　on　the　waves…　
There　was　something　familiar　about　that　flash　of　color　on　top　of　the　water。　Of　course　it　couldn"t　really　be　
fire—　
My　thoughts　were　interrupted　by　the　sound　of　a　car　squelching　through　the　mud　on　the　road　outside。　I　
heard　it　stop　in　front　of　the　house；　and　doors　started　opening　and　closing。　I　thought　about　sitting　up；　and　
then　decided　against　that　idea。　
Billy"s　voice　was　easily　identifiable；　but　he　kept　it　uncharacteristically　low；　so　that　it　was　only　a　gravelly　
grumble。　
The　door　opened；　and　the　light　flicked　on。　I　blinked；　momentarily　blind。　Jake　startled　awake；　gasping　and　
jumping　to　his　feet。　
〃Sorry；〃　Billy　grunted。　〃Did　we　wake　you？〃　
My　eyes　slowly　focused　on　his　face；　and　then；　as　I　could　read　his　expression；　they　filled　with　tears。　
〃Oh；　no；　Billy！〃　I　moaned。　
He　nodded　slowly；　his　expression　hard　with　grief。　Jake　hurried　to　his　father　and　took　one　of　his　hands。　
The　pain　made　his　face　suddenly　childlike—it　looked　odd　on　top　of　the　man"s　body。　
Sam　was　right　behind　Billy；　pushing　his　chair　through　the　door。　His　normal　posure　was　absent　from　
his　agonized　face。　
〃I"m　so　sorry；〃　I　whispered。　
Billy　nodded。　〃It"s　gonna　be　hard　all　around。〃　
〃Where"s　Charlie？〃　
〃Your　dad　is　still　at　the　hospital　with　Sue。　There　are　a　lot　of…　arrangements　to　be　made。〃　
I　swallowed　hard。　
〃I"d　better　get　back　there；〃　Sam　mumbled；　and　he　ducked　hastily　out　the　door。　
Billy　pulled　his　hand　away　from　Jacob；　and　then　he　rolled　himself　through　the　kitchen　toward　his　room。　
Jake　stared　after　him　for　a　minute；　then　came　to　sit　on　the　floor　beside　me　again。　He　put　his　face　in　his　
hands。　I　rubbed　his　shoulder；　wishing　I　could　think　of　anything　to　say。　
After　a　long　moment；　Jacob　caught　my　hand　and　held　it　to　his　face。　
〃How　are　you　feeling？　Are　you　okay？　I　probably　should　have　taken　you　to　a　doctor　or　something。〃　He　
sighed。　
〃Don"t　worry　about　me；〃　I　croaked。　
He　twisted　his　head　to　look　at　me。　His　eyes　were　rimmed　in　red。　〃You　don"t　look　so　good。〃　
〃I　don"t　feel　so　good；　either；　I　guess。〃　
〃I"ll　go　get　your　truck　and　then　take　you　home—you　probably　ought　to　be　there　when　Charlie　gets　back。〃　
〃Right。〃　
I　lay　listlessly　on　the　sofa　while　I　waited　for　him。　Billy　was　silent　in　the　other　room。　I　felt　like　a　peeping　
torn；　peering　through　the　cracks　at　a　private　sorrow　that　wasn"t　mine。　
It　didn"t　take　Jake　long。　The　roar　of　my　truck"s　engine　broke　the　silence　before　I　expected　it。　He　helped　
me　up　from　the　couch　without　speaking；　keeping　his　arm　around　my　shoulder　when　the　cold　air　outside　
made　me　shiver。　He　took　the　driver"s　seat　without　asking；　and　then　pulled　me　next　to　his　side　to　keep　his　
arm　tight　around　me。　I　leaned　my　head　against　his　chest。　
〃How　will　you　get　home？〃　I　asked。　
〃I"m　not　going　home。　We　still　haven"t　caught　the　bloodsucker；　remember？〃　
My　next　shudder　had　nothing　to　do　with　cold。　
It　was　a　quiet　ride　after　that。　The　cold　air　had　woken　me　up。　My　mind　was　alert；　and　it　was　working　very　
hard　and　very　fast。　
What　if？　What　was　the　right　thing　to　do？　
I　couldn"t　imagine　my　life　without　Jacob　now—I　cringed　away　from　the　idea　of　even　trying　to　imagine　
that。　Somehow；　he"d　bee　essential　to　my　survival。　But　to　leave　things　the　way　they　were…　was　that　
cruel；　as　Mike　had　accused？　
I　remembered　wishing　that　Jacob　were　my　brother。　I　realized　now　that　all　I　really　wanted　was　a　claim　on　
him。　It　didn"t　feel　brotherly　when　he　held　me　like　this。　It　just　felt　nice—warm　and　forting　and　familiar。　
Safe。　Jacob　was　a　safe　harbor。　
I　could　stake　a　claim。　I　had　that　much　within　my　power。　
I"d　have　to　tell　him　everything；　I　knew　that。　It　was　the　only　way　to　be　fair。　I"d　have　to　explain　it　right；　so　
that　he"d　know　I　wasn"t　settling；　that　he　was　much　too　good　for　me。　He　already　knew　I　was　broken；　that　
part　wouldn"t　surprise　him；　but　he"d　need　to　know　the　extent　of　it。　I"d　even　have　to　admit　that　I　was　
crazy—explain　about　the　voices　I　heard。　He"d　need　to　know　everything　before　he　made　a　decision。　
But；　even　as　I　recognized　that　necessity；　I　knew　he　would　take　me　in　spite　of　it　all。　He　wouldn"t　even　
pause　to　think　it　through。　
I　would　have　to　mit　to　this—mit　as　much　of　me　as　there　was　left；　every　one　of　the　broken　
pieces。　It　was　the　only　way　to　be　fair　to　him。　Would　I？　Could　I？　
Would　it　be　so　wrong　to　try　to　make　Jacob　happy？　Even　if　the　love　I　felt　for　him　was　no　more　than　a　
weak　echo　of　what　I　was　capable　of；　even　if　my　heart　was　far　away；　wandering　and　grieving　after　my　
fickle　Romeo；　would　it　be　so　very　wrong？　
Jacob　stopped　the　truck　in　front　of　my　dark　house；　cutting　the　engine　so　it　was　suddenly　silent。　Like　so　
many　other　times；　he　seemed　to　be　in　tune　with　my　thoughts　now。　
He　threw　his　other　arm　around　me；　crushing　me　against　his　cheat；　binding　me　to　him。　Again；　this　felt　nice。　
Almost　like　being　a　whole　person　again。　
I　thought　he　would　be　thinking　of　Harry；　but　then　he　spoke；　and　his　tone　was　apologetic。　〃Sorry。　I　
know　you　don"t　feel　exactly　the　way　I　do；　Bella。　I　swear　I　don"t　mind。　I"m　just　so　glad　you"re　okay　that　I　
could　sing—and　that"s　something　no　one　wants　to　hear。〃　He　laughed　his　throaty　laugh　in　my　ear。　
My　breathing　kicked　up　a　notch；　sanding　the　walls　of　my　throat。　
Wouldn"t　Edward；　indifferent　as　he　might　be；　want　me　to　be　as　happy　as　possible　under　the　
circumstances？　Wouldn"t　enough　friendly　emotion　linger　for　him　to　want　that　much　for　me？　I　thought　he　
would。　He　wouldn"t　begrudge　me　this：　giving　just　a　small　bit　of　love　he　didn"t　want　to　my　friend　Jacob。　
After　all；　it　wasn"t　the　same　love　at　all。　
Jake　pressed　his　warm　cheek　against　the　top　of　my　hair。　
If　I　turned　my　face　to　the　side—if　I　pressed　my　lips　against　his　bare　shoulder。。。　I　knew　without　any　doubt　
what　would　follow。　It　would　be　very　easy。　There　would　be　no　need　for　explanations　tonight。　
But　could　I　do　it？　Could　I　betray　my　absent　heart　to　save　my　pathetic　life？　
Butterflies　assaulted　my　stomach　as　I　thought　of　turning　my　head。　
And　then；　as　clearly　as　if　I　were　in