《道林格雷的画像》第31章

is　a　luxury　in　self…reproach。　when　we　blame　ourselves；　we　feel　that　no　one　else　has　a　right　to　blame　us。　it　is　the　confession；　not　the　priest；　that　gives　us　absolution。　when　dorian　had　finished　the　letter；　he　felt　that　he　had　been　forgiven。
suddenly　there　came　a　knock　to　the　door；　and　he　heard　lord　henrys　voice　outside。　〃my　dear　boy；　i　must　see　you。　let　me　in　at　once。　i　cant　bear　your　shutting　yourself　up　like　this。〃
he　made　no　answer　at　first；　but　remained　quite　still。　the　knocking　still　continued　and　grew　louder。　yes；　it　was　better　to　let　lord　henry　in；　and　to　explain　to　him　the　new　life　he　was　going　to　lead；　to　quarrel　with　him　if　it　became　necessary　to　quarrel；　to　part　if　parting　was　inevitable。　he　jumped　up；　drew　the　screen　hastily　across　the　picture；　and　unlocked　the　door。
〃i　am　so　sorry　for　it　all；　dorian；〃　said　lord　henry　as　he　entered。　〃but　you　must　not　think　too　much　about　it。〃
〃do　you　mean　about　sibyl　vane？〃　asked　the　lad。
〃yes；　of　course；〃　answered　lord　henry；　sinking　into　a　chair　and　slowly　pulling　off　his　yellow　gloves。　〃it　is　dreadful；　from　one　point　of　view；　but　it　was　not　your　fault。　tell　me；　did　you　go　behind　and　see　her；　after　the　play　was　over？〃
〃yes。〃
〃i　felt　sure　you　had。　did　you　make　a　scene　with　her？〃
〃i　was　brutal；　harry……perfectly　brutal。　but　it　is　all　right　now。　i　am　not　sorry　for　anything　that　has　happened。　it　has　taught　me　to　know　myself　better。〃
〃ah；　dorian；　i　am　so　glad　you　take　it　in　that　way！　i　was　afraid　i　would　find　you　plunged　in　remorse　and　tearing　that　nice　curly　hair　of　yours。〃
〃i　have　got　through　all　that；〃　said　dorian；　shaking　his　head　and　smiling。　〃i　am　perfectly　happy　now。　i　know　what　conscience　is；　to　begin　with。　it　is　not　what　you　told　me　it　was。　it　is　the　divinest　thing　in　us。　dont　sneer　at　it；　harry；　any　more……at　least　not　before　me。　i　want　to　be　good。　i　cant　bear　the　idea　of　my　soul　being　hideous。〃
〃a　very　charming　artistic　basis　for　ethics；　dorian！　i　congratulate　you　on　it。　but　how　are　you　going　to　begin？〃
〃by　marrying　sibyl　vane。〃
〃marrying　sibyl　vane！〃　cried　lord　henry；　standing　up　and　looking　at　him　in　perplexed　amazement。　〃but；　my　dear　dorian……〃
〃yes；　harry；　i　know　what　you　are　going　to　say。　something　dreadful　about　marriage。　dont　say　it。　dont　ever　say　things　of　that　kind　to　me　again。　two　days　ago　i　asked　sibyl　to　marry　me。　i　am　not　going　to　break　my　word　to　her。　she　is　to　be　my　wife。〃
〃your　wife！　dorian！　。　。　。　didnt　you　get　my　letter？　i　wrote　to　you　this　morning；　and　sent　the　note　down　by　my　own　man。〃
〃your　letter？　oh；　yes；　i　remember。　i　have　not　read　it　yet；　harry。　i　was　afraid　there　might　be　something　in　it　that　i　wouldnt　like。　you　cut　life　to　pieces　with　your　epigrams。〃
〃you　know　nothing　then？〃
〃what　do　you　mean？〃
lord　henry　walked　across　the　room；　and　sitting　down　by　dorian　gray；　took　both　his　hands　in　his　own　and　held　them　tightly。　〃dorian；〃　he　said；　〃my　letter……dont　be　frightened……was　to　tell　you　that　sibyl　vane　is　dead。〃
a　cry　of　pain　broke　from　the　lads　lips；　and　he　leaped　to　his　feet；　tearing　his　hands　away　from　lord　henrys　grasp。　〃dead！　sibyl　dead！　it　is　not　true！　it　is　a　horrible　lie！　how　dare　you　say　it？〃
〃it　is　quite　true；　dorian；〃　said　lord　henry；　gravely。　〃it　is　in　all　the　morning　papers。　i　wrote　down　to　you　to　ask　you　not　to　see　any　one　till　i　came。　there　will　have　to　be　an　inquest；　of　course；　and　you　must　not　be　mixed　up　in　it。　things　like　that　make　a　man　fashionable　in　paris。　but　in　london　people　are　so　prejudiced。　here；　one　should　never　make　ones　début　with　a　scandal。　one　should　reserve　that　to　give　an　interest　to　ones　old　age。　i　suppose　they　dont　know　your　name　at　the　theatre？　if　they　dont；　it　is　all　right。　did　any　one　see　you　going　round　to　her　room？　that　is　an　important　point。〃
dorian　did　not　answer　for　a　few　moments。　he　was　dazed　with　horror。　finally　he　stammered；　in　a　stifled　voice；　〃harry；　did　you　say　an　inquest？　what　did　you　mean　by　that？　did　sibyl……？　oh；　harry；　i　cant　bear　it！　but　be　quick。　tell　me　everything　at　once。〃
〃i　have　no　doubt　it　was　not　an　accident；　dorian；　though　it　must　be　put　in　that　way　to　the　public。　it　seems　that　as　she　was　leaving　the　theatre　with　her　mother；　about　half…past　twelve　or　so；　she　said　she　had　forgotten　something　upstairs。　they　waited　some　time　for　her；　but　she　did　not　e　down　again。　they　ultimately　found　her　lying　dead　on　the　floor　of　her　dressing…room。　she　had　swallowed　something　by　mistake；　some　dreadful　thing　they　use　at　theatres。　i　dont　know　what　it　was；　but　it　had　either　prussic　acid　or　white　lead　in　it。　i　should　fancy　it　was　prussic　acid；　as　she　seems　to　have　died　instantaneously。〃
〃harry；　harry；　it　is　terrible！〃　cried　the　lad。
〃yes；　it　is　very　tragic；　of　course；　but　you　must　not　get　yourself　mixed　up　in　it。　i　see　by　the　standard　that　she　was　seventeen。　i　should　have　thought　she　was　almost　younger　than　that。　she　looked　such　a　child；　and　seemed　to　know　so　little　about　acting。　dorian；　you　mustnt　let　this　thing　get　on　your　nerves。　you　must　e　and　dine　with　me；　and　afterwards　we　will　look　in　at　the　opera。　it　is　a　patti　night；　and　everybody　will　be　there。　you　can　e　to　my　sisters　box。　she　has　got　some　smart　women　with　her。〃
〃so　i　have　murdered　sibyl　vane；〃　said　dorian　gray；　half　to　himself；　〃murdered　her　as　surely　as　if　i　had　cut　her　little　throat　with　a　knife。　yet　the　roses　are　not　less　lovely　for　all　that。　the　birds　sing　just　as　happily　in　my　garden。　and　to…night　i　am　to　dine　with　you；　and　then　go　on　to　the　opera；　and　sup　somewhere；　i　suppose；　afterwards。　how　extraordinarily　dramatic　life　is！　if　i　had　read　all　this　in　a　book；　harry；　i　think　i　would　have　wept　over　it。　somehow；　now　that　it　has　happened　actually；　and　to　me；　it　seems　far　too　wonderful　for　tears。　here　is　the　first　passionate　love…letter　i　have　ever　written　in　my　life。　strange；　that　my　first　passionate　love…letter　should　have　been　addressed　to　a　dead　girl。　can　they　feel；　i　wonder；　those　white　silent　people　we　call　the　dead？　sibyl！　can　she　feel；　or　know；　or　listen？　oh；　harry；　how　i　loved　her　once！　it　seems　years　ago　to　me　now。　she　was　everything　to　me。　then　came　that　dreadful　night……was　it　really　only　last　night？……　when　she　played　so　badly；　and　my　heart　almost　broke。　she　explaine